Gianna 5: Change and Longing

      To miss something is to long for something that once was. Whether it’s to miss people, ages, dynamics, experiences, activities, sometimes change brings the feeling of yearning for the way things once were. 2019 has been a chaotic year, to say the least. I would say that this year for me involved and stood for a lot of change. Unfortunately for me, I don't really like change. I like set schedules and routines. I like to know exactly what is going on most of the time. This year, I had to break away from a lot of the things in my life I had grown accustomed to. I miss the way a lot of things were even a year ago, but I’ve been thinking about one pretty big difference a lot lately.

I started riding horses when I was six years old. I’ve always been passionate about animals, and being an equestrian was a defining part of my life and my identity. I never grew out of the “crazy horse girl” phase. During this year’s spring track season, I got injured. I was out for the first part of the season with Peroneal and Achilles tendonitis in both of my ankles. Even walking was painful. Horseback riding involves a lot of leg and ankle strength. I have had pain in my ankles for years, and it only gets worse with more use, which is how it developed to be such an issue this year. Once I could start working and running again, I wasn't able to ride while track season was going on. It was just too much pressure and strain on my ankles. I took a break from riding, and it was never really the same for me again.

I tried going back for a few lessons in July, but by that point, the competitive show season was already well in effect, and my ankles were causing me so much pain again. I didn't feel the same about it anymore. By the end of July, I was no longer riding. I haven't ridden since. Something that was such a defining part of my childhood and identity was no longer something I participated in. At first, I didn't really notice the difference in my life with or without riding. Recently, though, this change has been getting to me. With the new year coming up, I've been reflecting and writing in a personal journal about some of the really sensitive changes of the year. This, however, is a change that I feel like others could possibly relate to. It’s hard to cope with these emotional losses sometimes. Now I can say I truly miss it.

I’ve definitely picked up other activities along the way, though. I started rock climbing and bouldering at a gym a lot more seriously and often, I paint and cook a lot more now, and I still hold track very close to my identity. All of these things are very special to me, especially track, but they don't quite compare to that passion I had with riding. It was a combination of athleticism and bonding with an incredibly powerful animal. It really defined my childhood. Maybe soon or one day I’ll be able to pick it up again, because it is something I really, truly miss.