As the music hummed to a soft stop, I’m jogged back to reality.
Reality: It’s 8:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. I’m on my second hour of ballet and we’ve rehearsed our recital dance four times already tonight. At this point, it’s complete muscle memory, and I find myself mindlessly going through the motions.
Somehow I went through three minutes worth of choreography while thinking about everything but my dancing. When the music ends, I’m baffled by how fast those minutes went; I didn’t even appreciate the movements, and somehow it’s over.
We did our dance again, and this time, I thought about every step and flowed through every change. When the music hummed to a soft stop once again, this time, I was satisfied.
I had a second chance to redeem myself on Wednesday night, but in life, we don’t always get second chances. When we just go through the motions, life does pass us by, and there’s no going back. The music keeps on going until it's over, but it never restarts.
Days pass quickly, and those days turn into weeks, months, and eventually years. In the end, I don’t want to wake up and realize that I’ve been an unconscious observer, simply watching my life pass by. I want to make intentional decisions for myself, and one day look back knowing that I played an active role in my destiny --- good or bad, I’m responsible.
Because when it comes down to it, that’s all we can do. Every choice we make builds us into who we are. I’d rather make a million wrong choices than become a product of indecisiveness because that way, at least I know that I didn’t take anything for granted. I’d played the cards I’d been dealt, even if I lost the game. I danced every note with intention, even if my performance ended up being less than perfect.
And still, the music keeps on playing.
Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions? What do you do to break this state?
I know the exact feeling you're talking about regarding dance. Especially for the competition routines I have practiced millions of times, its complete muscle memory. I've actually found that if I focus too much on the choreography and what comes next I tend to forget what I'm doing. But if I focus on my technique, my dancing is better. I think that's a metaphor for how I live my life as well. If I focus too much and start overthinking my "movements" I become lost in my own head. If I take it one step at a time and just try my best, life seems to be more enjoyable. That's why this year I’ve tried to start focusing on the small positives even when the overarching picture seemed grim.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is so emotionally touching and true! I do not dance but there are multiple instances were I just memorize things without actually understanding whats going on. I agree that it is hard to focus on one thing when you have so many things going on in your life. Often, I find myself taking a test based on the things I memorized and sometimes even on muscle memory, when I should have been actually trying to understand what was going on and what the question was specifically asking. But most of the time,I end up focusing by underlining and highlighting to engage my attention.
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