As I am getting further into my junior year, I am slowly becoming more aware of how little I am preparing myself for my future. Every time I hear my friends talk about writing their college essays, visiting universities, and job shadowing, their conversations also unintentionally become harsh reminders of how little I’ve done. Even the moment my parents mention college at the dinner table I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach similar to when I can't feel my phone in my pocket. I’ve grown very comfortable living every day as it comes to me. When was I supposed to grow out of that? Confronting myself about my own unpreparedness makes me feel ignorant and embarrassed, so I cope by not thinking about it at all and in result worsen my biggest anxiety.
The fact that I am halfway done with high school doesn’t even seem real to me. Seeing people I’ve grown up and been in school with since kindergarten driving and working at restaurants I go to still doesn’t register correctly in my head. I feel childish and almost immature for not reaching the same stage in my life. I could have started driving even before my sophomore year, but to this day I still don’t have my license. Obviously driving and all the freedoms that come with it is irresistible to any teenager, but I still didn’t care enough to get my permit. Did I want to focus on other things in my life as I told myself, or was I too scared to move on from the entire life I led not being able to drive? It would also be nice to get a job and be able to buy whatever I want with money that I earn, but am I ready to leave behind the comfort of being unemployed while I am able to have it?
Although I am one of the oldest in my grade, I found out that I am one of the latest when it comes to “growing up.” I can’t drive, and I still haven’t had a job or even a boyfriend. I want to use the same excuse I could use for the past 17 years of my life (“I’m still a kid!”) until I realize next year I am legally considered an adult. I am getting older, but I am not growing up. At times I feel as if time is my worst enemy, mocking me with how fast it’s able to move and only goes faster when I want it to stop for a moment. Change has always made me uncomfortable, and I remember crying after the last day of first grade after I realized there would be different people in my class next year even after I had grown so used to my old class. Ten years later I am finding myself in the same position. How can I ever go to college when I’ve been given thirteen years to get accustomed to my cycle of going to school and coming home to my parents? In reality, 4 of these years are meant to prepare you for this transition, yet I have never dreaded something more in my life.
Even though I do have my serious doubts about where my future is headed, I still try to remain optimistic and lead myself out of my comfort zone little by little. I still barely have an idea of where I want to go for college, and I have found that my main concern has been to not disappoint my parents rather than what I actually want to go for. I obsess over my grades and work hard to get them to meet the standard I’ve set for them, but I really only do so since it is what I’m expected to do. I constantly wonder if it is even worth it or if the sleep I lose to studying would make any difference to where I end up in 10 years. As much as I am proud of how much I’ve accomplished through my studies, I sometimes wish I could care about my grades just a little less and allow myself to live and be a teenager while I am able to.
I always think about this quote by Dalai Lama: “We are human beings, not human doings.” In a world where we are constantly expected to work and catch up with responsibilities, we never allow ourselves the time to take in the world around us and just be. I know I get easily overwhelmed, and I always deal with the stress that comes from it horribly. Suddenly burdened with college applications and SATs within the span of a year, it’s really important for students to remind themselves that there is more to life than getting accepted into their dream college or the decimal value of their GPA.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. I always hear friends and family talk about where they are going to apply for college or that they're taking their SAT's soon, and I feel like I'm way behind in the process. I don't have any idea where I want to go for college and I've barely had time to study for my SAT's. I try to keep myself busy and avoid thinking about moving forward in my life and I think that I might be holding myself back too. Your post is really relatable to me.
ReplyDeleteReading this made me tear up a little. MaryJo, you're so wise! And so self-aware. That is such an amazing asset to have at such a young age. You're right: you ARE still a kid. And yes, adulthood is coming, but spoiler alert, you're always going to feel like you're not quite ready to be at the stage of you're life that you're at (I know I definitely still feel that way.... also, I didn't really want to drive either and didn't get my license until I was 18). You'll be okay, I'm positive. If you don't know what you want out of life yet, so what? Go to community college for a few years until you figure it out. If you want to enjoy life sometimes instead of studying, that's okay. I promise no one ends up in their 40s saying "Man, I wish I would've spent more nights of high school alone in my room stressing out." Yes, we have to find a balance between being good students and taking care of ourselves, but finding that balance shouldn't be just one more thing to stress over.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree I find it so hard nowadays to find time to enjoy the little things now that we are older. As I have reached the older, and the most stressful, part of my high school experience I have found repeating the motto "take it one day at a time" very helpful. Especially when I am experiencing an anxiety attack about the future and school in general. We are all bound to end up somewhere in life and knowing you MaryJo you are going to do great things!
ReplyDeleteThat was very eloquently worded, and I honestly find myself feeling the same way some days. Like you, I also haven't even begun on looking into getting a license, and while I do have a vague idea of what job I'd like to have, I feel like I'm following less my own dreams and more my parents'. They came to America looking for a better life for them and their children, and I sometimes wonder if I can ever possibly live up to their standards.
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